Feelings are Fickle. God is Good.

“God…I am just not feeling it today…

I can’t remember exactly when this thought ran through my head, which I subsequently said out loud to Jesus as I was driving in my car, but I know it was after I had been at a prayer meeting, or maybe it was a college service, or something else church related…

Anyway, it was after I had been trying to get into the presence of God for the umpteenth time, just trying to be with Him, just trying to feel something other than the gigantic, garbage-bag-of-a-mess I’ve felt like lately –

– And not feeling it. Not feeling his presence, not feeling loved, not feeling secure, not feeling it. At all.  – and it sucked.

God…I am just not feeling it today…

Before I continue with what happened after I thought this, I need to give you some background on me.

I am a feeler. A really, deep feeler.
I am an emotive person, and I am an emotional person.
And I am confident that God made me this way, however, it’s not always fun.

There are some emotions that I have felt, and, on occasion, still feel, so strongly it’s practically a miracle I haven’t imploded from just how intensely I’ve felt some of them – just ask my parents or my sister or my best friend, they’d probably agree with me.

Anyway, something God has been showing me recently is that a lot of the time my walk with Him has been heavily influenced by my emotions.

He’s shown me that what I have thought about Him, how I have experienced His presence, what I have believed about His consistency, goodness, and faithfulness in my life, have all been influenced by my emotions, so much so, that I have believed this very deceiving lie:

that the emotions I feel reflect what God thinks of me and how He feels towards me.

This has looked like;

– Me feeling disappointed and thinking that God was disappointed in me for wanting what it was I wanted, that God was disappointed in me for hoping for/in the wrong thing and not figuring it out until it was too late.

– Me feeling angry with myself and thinking that God was angry with me

– Me feeling shame and thinking that God was ashamed of me

– Me feeling loved and thinking that God loved me – BUT AT THE SAME TIME subconsciously thinking that the love I felt was conditional and that would fade the minute I did something wrongwhich, by the way, IS THE SPIRIT OF ANXIETY AND PARANOIA, PEOPLE.

– Me feeling the deeeeeeeep ache of the depression and the violent turbulence of the anxiety that I struggled against for years, and thinking that because I felt that way that God had abandoned me and given up on me, that God thought I wasn’t worth pursuing anymore because I felt depressed, alone, and anxious over ridiculous things that (at the time I didn’t know but I now realize) literally had no bearing on my life whatsoever. That because of my emotions, it was too difficult, exhausting, and useless for God to even try to do a good work in me. That because of how messy I was and my inability to do anything on my own that God was fed up with me, that I had finally done the thing that would convince Him to leave me, that He thought it was a waste of time to keep working in me because I was still struggling with the same stupid stuff all freaking over again.

WOW.

Lies. Lies, lies, lies, all LIES.

The enemy has been feeding me these for years. And it’s only recently that I realized how long this has been going on, how long I have been believing them, and how silly I have been for believing them as long as I have.

BUT (and here’s the glorious giddy-kind-of-laughter inducing FACT about following God)

God is not disappointed with me, mad at me, or upset with me for having believed these lies for so long.

He has grace upon grace upon grace upon grace upon grace

Which brings me back to what happened in my car the other day….

God…I am just not feeling it today…

Almost immediately after this thought came into my head and said it out loud did another thought come into my head –

But that doesn’t mean I’m not here, Liv. Just because you don’t ‘feel’ me doesn’t mean I’m far from you. I’m right here, with you. WITH YOU. You know why? Because I love you. I’m crazy about YOU. Even if you don’t ‘feel’ me or my presence, or ‘feel’ what you think you should when you worship me or experience my presence in the ways you see other people experiencing me, that does not mean I’m not with you, that does not mean I don’t love you or that I love you less for feeling the way you do.”

Emotions are not bad, people. God has emotions. God gave us emotions.

It’s how we respond to them, how we choose to act on them (if at all), and where the thought behind them is coming from that is important.

            “Just because I “feel” an emotion does not mean that the thought behind it is true”1

THANK YOU LORD FOR THIS REVELATION.

I want to be a woman who considers it all joy when I encounter trials of any kind,

and I know I can be BECAUSE OF GOD.

I want to be a woman who really asks with unshakable faith, not doubting that God will answer me so that I am not one who’s mind and emotions are tossed about like the waves of the sea.

and I know I can be BECAUSE OF GOD.

So, as a result of this finally getting through to my heart, I have determined to repeat this to myself UNTIL I TRULY BELIEVE IT, especially when I have moments where I’m feeling overwhelmed by my emotions (I encourage you to do the same (: )

– The emotions you DO or DO NOT feel DO NOT define you, your walk with God, or what God thinks of you. Period.

Your emotions do not have control over you, define you, or have the power to create chaos in your life.

You know why??!

Because God defines you.

God holds you and every little bit of you and your life together.

God understands emotions, and He is not surprised by, put off by, afraid of, or incapable of handling the intensity of yours.

God creates order out of the messiness of life and the messiness of our emotions. Even if we do not see it right away, He promises that it will happen, and

He. Follows. Through. On. His. Promises.

Always.

FOR THE LORD GOD SAYS,

I am with you and you, and I will protect you wherever you go…I will not leave you until I have finished giving you everything I have promised you. (Gen 28:15)

Fear not, for I am with you: Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

Remain confident of this Liv (or insert your name here): You will see My goodness in the land of the living. Wait for Me; be strong and take heart and wait for Me. (Psalm 27:13-14)

 I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But TAKE HEART, because I have OVERCOME the world. (John 16:33)

When [NOT IF, BUT WHEN] you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and WHEN [NOT IF, BUT WHEN] you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you When [NOT IF, BUT WHEN] you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. (Isaiah 43:2)

Thank you Jesus. Thank you thank you thank you.

 

 

IMG_6282

  1. Healing Negative Emotions devotional on the YouVersion Bible App by Kimberly Taylor from takebackyourtemple.com.
  2. Note: All capitalized, bolded, italicized, and [inserts] in featured scripture verses were added by me.
  3. Songs for this post: God of Miracles by Springs Church Worship, I Want It All (Just Give Me Jesus) by Daniel Bashta, Mercy by Amanda Cook.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s